I'M HOME!!

Hey i'm home from Mexico and i'm excited to be here. I"m not going to write much other than i love you all here at home and in every other state or country that i met. I'll my prayers are going for you guys.

Vanessa

Currently Listening Phantoms By Acceptance see related

So here i am again...typing for hours and hours on my computer...wat a bore right? Well i'm not so sure..its like i write in a journal at home like a notebook...but for some reason I always seem to just spill out everything here or in an IM to someone...which i guess isn't a bad thing...i mean i get to tell people whats on my mind...when i'm happy...when i'm not..and not have to explain face to face..and better yet its their choice if they want to hear it or not.

So i don't really know whats going on in my mind...i'm pretty cluttered right now. I don't have really any focus...which i guess is bad. Band Camp starts tomorrow and i'm really excited to see everyone...but then again i'm scared....and we all know why..yes yes once again my back. I'm sorry that i keep talking about it but its really hard to ignore and its a huge part of my life considering its my back, part of my body! Its just really been on my mind alot..I really just want God to heal me...just to take all this pain away. I want to get better. Last week i was at the therapist and i usually have 2-3 ribs out of place...i had over 8! and all of my problems were back. I'm just sick and tired of worrying  about the way i sit so i don't pop my hips out...or sitting out in guard because i can't take the pain any more. If any of you have ever had to sit out because of something that disables you...lemme tell you its the worst feeling ever! Knowing that i'm different, that i'm "hurt" "incapable" "broken"...its just hard...wanting to do something..your mind taking you places, wanting to fly...but your wings don't work.. I just feel under...or less of a person. I know that God can give healing...or at least improve a situation...but...mine is just falling more and more apart. I guess i'm just scared, i don't want things to get worst...scratch that...I'm terrified.

There's some more on my mind...but i don't really know how to explain. My brother is going to collage, and me and him are just now starting to get along...its kinda of hard to think about him not being there to pick on me, or here to make fun of the way i dress and how much i talk on the phone. I really want him to see that i love him and that i want to be the best little sister that i can. I want him to talk to me and spill out whats going on...but i guess that's something that i can't have...at least for now.

Sooo ever since i got back from St. Louis i just feel like God isn't using me. I found all this spiritual gifts while i was there, but then its like when i got home all that stopped...I'm really trying to seek God out and find his glory and forgiveness. There's a lot that i need forgiveness for...but maybe i need to forgive myself, because i feel as if God has done his part i'm just still holding on to it. I want to use my gifts..i want them to help people..i want to be filled...i know some of you don't understand this..but i just want to see...i want to see things like i saw in St. Louis, i want to be spoken through like i was in St. Louis...i want miracles to happen, i want to...become wat God wants me to be.

So i guess thanx for listening to all that crap...comments welcome. thanks guys.

~Vanessa

Currently Listening Beneath Medicine Tree By Copeland Coffee see related

Okay so i haven't written in awhile..but i don't think that i want to talk about M-fuge here if you wanna know..go to my friend Cassie's site and she will fill you in.  So...I dunno there hasn't been much going on. Dating Ben. Having a blast! Summer has been fun..and i finally got some color...its not tan..but its color! lol  I guess there is just a lot that i'm looking forward to..but a lot that i'm also not looking forward to at all. Maybe thats how it always is...

Band Camp is all next week..don't get me wrong i'm totally excited. I mean i get to see everyone again...my really really large family. lol but then i'm just scared about my back. I went to my physical therapy today and all my problems were back..i guess its just hard to not see improvement. It just hurts all the time..i dunno. I guess i'm just whining. but i just really don't want to be broken i just want to be okay...not even good..just okay is enough.

well thats enough for now.

Okay so i haven't written in awhile but i'm here now. Theres been a lot going on....Besides sifting through piles and piles of junk mail because i haven't sat in front of my computer in a long time. I guess its just hard to get to and to actually sit down and write all this out.

I guess in the past two weeks i have become thankful for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life, everyone that i have disappointed and the people that have disappointed me, the obsticles that i thought i would never have to deal with, and the people i have run into. All because without it..without them i wouldn't be become the woman that God is molding me into. I guess i'm still really lost but you just have to take it and learn...so much has happened that i don't know what lesson i'm suppose to be learning and what i have already learned.

M-fuge is coming up and i'm really excited but there is always a back side to everything good. I'm really bitter sweet i guess. I know that God wants me there but i'm still scared. Its hard to walk into a place where you don't know if you can answer all the questions or if i have the strength to share my faith and what i believe. God has carried me through so much, and all i need to do it share the infinate love and compassion he has. Easier said then done.

What would you do if someone told you all your flaws and everything you have ever done wrong all at once and the only choice you had was to listen and accept it all. I don't know what to feel anymore. Maybe i should just be numb to it all and let go of everything. I guess its just hard to hear it all after i have poured out my heart saying that i feel horrible for everything. Even though i did all those things....i have asked for forgivness and i guess that is the hardest gift to give. I don't understand why people have such an easy time pointing out what wrong with you but fall apart when you ask if there is anything good about you at all.

Its funny how the last person you want to talk to in the world becomes the person that you end up telling everything. And how it seems like all the anger and rage that i had bottled up inside was slowly dissolved into nothing at all. He brings out a really good side of me...someone that i can totally fall apart on, can cry in front of, can show things that i don't show anyone. Someone that i can talk to on the phone until the sun rises. He wipes the tears off my cheeks and kisses me when i talk to much. Maybe  its just a fling but i sure do hope not. Okay i won't bore you all with this dumb babble..but just a last few people i need to shout out to.

Nathan..WOW Brazil..you're really becoming an amazing kid. I'm praying for you!

Ben..You cut your hair!! lol i like it both long and short tho. Your still a cutie in my book. Have fun in Hawaii.

Ben!! Thanx for all that you do. You are truely my angel.

M-Fugies! Are you ready!?!

~Vanessa~